Extending Without Tears - Denise Robertson
We call it multi-generational living and while it can bring a family together in a wonderful way, there can also be complications. We hope we can solve some of those problems for you before they arise.
Making the move back home
- Make sure it’s what both parties want as huge goodwill on one side is not enough. Make sure that if people are leaving an area they know and an established circle of friends, they understand they will be able to put down roots in their new area.
- Don’t burn bridges. Knowing you can go back to your home or flat share can give you the security to make the new arrangement work. Try to set a notional date when moving out will be an option as working towards even a tentative place on the calendar can make the difference between calm acceptance and hopelessness.
- Remember the wider family circle. Make sure everyone is happy with the new arrangement so jealousy doesn’t arise. If you’re taking in mum, discuss it with your siblings. If one of your children has to move back or can’t leave, make sure their siblings know that they are also welcome back.
- Ensure that your possessions are protected in your new home. Relatives will be moving their entire lives to their new residence, so it’s vital to make sure all valuables are covered under the home’s insurance policy and make amends to it if necessary.
Day to day
- Make sure each generation has some territory of their own in the home where they are surrounded by their possessions and in which they are guaranteed privacy.
- Try and make sure access to the television and radio is not shared and therefore a source of dispute.
- Remember you are no longer a nuclear family. People want to eat and sleep at different times, and you can’t ‘mother’ everybody. Having said that, occasional family meals can be a delight.
- Sort out the family finances before hand. “You know we’ll be able to sort it eventually” can lead to eventual ill-feeling.
- Be safe in the home. Accident rates are much higher in multi-generational homes because dwellings are more crowded and the young and old are more accident prone than the middle aged.
Working together
- Distribute the household workload. This especially applies to food shopping and laundry. Everyone, no matter what their physical limitations, can do something to help.
- Have realistic expectations. Everyone in the household will occasionally feel resentment or frustration. Accept that and don’t feel guilty when it occurs, or think other parties ungrateful. We’re all human.
- Don’t anticipate there will be rows, but establish a mechanism for settling them by democratic means. A good laugh can turn an intractable issue into a sorted one, but if you can’t see the funny side a compromise can work wonders.
Help is out there
- Make use of expert advice, for example from Age Concern or Parentline. This can be especially useful when making what can be a crowded house accident-proof.
Discussion, foresight, tact and consideration for the feelings of everyone involved should eliminate most snags and turn what is a modern dilemma into something which can be looked back on when there is no longer a need for it as a victory for family solidarity.
More than 83% of people surveyed felt it had brought their families closer together although two-thirds of those surveyed had been forced into it against their will. Looking back on the times my family combined three generations under one roof I am glad we were able to do it. It wasn’t always plain sailing but we made it work. That’s what families are for.
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